Rahul Gandhi recently gave an interview for a job of C++ programmer. Here is the full transcript:
Interviewer: Welcome Mr Gandhi. You were supposed to be here by 8 AM but you are entering now at 9.30 AM. Why so much delay?
Rahul: Let me tell you what Rahul Gandhi has to say about this. This morning, I got up at night.
4 O’clock in the morning, I got up at night, went into the balcony and was thinking about “inheritance in C++”. My mother entered the room. And she cried!! She told me, “Programming is poison!!”
She reminded me how my grandmother ended up burning the computer because her code did not handle/terminate a recursive function which led to stack overflow and overheating of processor which burnt the computer itself. She then reminded me of how my father ended up burning his Toshiba laptop because by mistake he added a while(1) statement causing an infinite loop leading to processor overheating and burning of the laptop itself.
But I explained to her that she need not worry because in today’s world, computers & laptops are outdated because everything is in cloud. Since clouds have water vapor, I think there will be no overheating and burning problems. By the time we finished this conversation, it was already 9 AM and that’s why I am late to the interview.
Interviewer: No need to be so much serious and defensive Mr Gandhi. I just asked it to find out if it was due to any inconvenience in finding our address. Anyway, let’s begin now. Tell me about yourself.
Rahul: To understand Rahul Gandhi, you must first understand Rahul Gandhi. You must first know the circumstances he grew up with. I saw my grandmother’s computer getting burnt. I saw my father’s laptop getting burnt. I saw my grandmother’s account being hacked. All these were because of bad programming practices in the industry. There is a clear aim in my mind and I do not like what I see in programming. I see tremendous amount of talent & energy in programmers but it is trapped. I want to unleash their energies by changing the system of programming itself.
Interviewer: Ok, ok. Calm down Rahul. I just asked you to tell me about yourself, not about your grandmother and energies of other programmers. Let’s leave that aside. Your resume says you have been a programmer for the past 10 years. What is the relevant experience you have for this project and how can you contribute to our software?
Rahul: Before answering it, I want to explain you what Rahul Gandhi thinks about your project. In fact, Rahul Gandhi says the whole programming industry itself is flawed. There is no representation of women in this industry at all. The first thing I would be doing is to hire 1000 women programmers who will come up with a programming language alternative to C++. Since it will be created by women, we are going to call it “She ++”.
In this She++, we are going to rewrite the rules of the game because there will be no “private” & “public” members in a class. All will be “protected” because that is the need of the hour for women security who need to be “protected”. All the classes by default will be “friend” classes because only when all the women are friends with each other, there can be total women empowerment.
Interviewer: That is a great idea, Mr Gandhi. But that is for the IDE, programming language & compiler. We are not a compiler design firm. How can you contribute for our software?
Rahul: I was about to come to it and you interrupted me. Where was I? Yes, software. Your software is totally opaque and I want to make it transparent. By transparency I mean disclose all the relevant information and source code to the user. This is called “Right To Source Code” (RTSC).
Whenever any user right clicks on any UI screen of the software, it should always give a drop down menu with a mandatory option called RTSC which when clicked gives the source code of that UI screen and all the relevant code of the underlying modules including kernel. Let the user have access to the entire codebase this way along with the revision history of that part of the code. This is the transparency I want to bring into the software system.
Interviewer: That sounds highly ambitious. Now tell me about different types of software development models.
Rahul: Firstly, I am against this funda called “development model”. I don’t believe in any model. All these models advertised by other programmers in their respective companies are just toffee models. These models are large balloons which will soon burst. You know this super programmer of a company who always claims that his software has the best development model and advertises all over social media.
Do you know who actually develops his code? The women of his company. It is the girls in the company who write code and this man takes all the credit and calls it using some special development model names. Did you know what happened in my childhood? I used to play badminton with our computer technician everyday. One day, that same computer technician hacked into my grandmother’s computer and formatted all her data. It happened right in front of my eyes!! I will not be surprised if someone hacks into my computer as well.
Interviewer: Mr Gandhi, please calm down and do not run around in circles. Since you were already late for the interview, I am running out of time. So I would like to finish this with one last question. Why should we hire you?
Rahul: To understand why you must hire me, I first want you to know that our industry gets its force from its women who are like the rivers. These women are constantly working hard like bees & this is why our industry is like a beehive.
In order to take our industry forward, we need women empowerment. Women of every section of the industry, every department of each company, every team of each department, must be empowered and I am here to empower them. Look at the other candidates you have. One of them snoops women all the time. Another supports midnight raid on innocent Uganda women living in Delhi.
Now you tell me, do you want a snooper, midnight raider or someone who can empower women which in turn will help in inclusive growth of the industry which in turn will help your company.
Interviewer: You have great interlinking skills, Mr Gandhi. I could never imagine that our industry could be related to beehives & rivers. I am so confused now that I am wondering what this interview was actually scheduled for. Oh yeah, I remember now. This was for a C++ programmer’s job. Anyway, I am done with the interview. You may leave now. Our HR team will get back to you on May 16.